A typical mid-day in the life of rockstar mom and rockstar baby (although most days, there is only one disaster at a time).
10:15 am – Baby is starting to get snarky. Okay, time to eat.
10:16 am – Feed baby.
10:34 am – Baby pulls away, squiggles and is giggly again. “No more food? Are you full?” He laughs and flashes me a heart-melting toothless grin and I nuzzle his nose. I play horsey with him and bounce him up and down my knee. That’s when I notice that there is poo on my shorts. There. Is. Poo. On. My. Shorts. Fabulous. Rockstar baby has just POOPED on me.
10:35 am – Run upstairs to his room holding baby at arms length. Changing table fiasco. ARGH! Fuck!! #$!*&@#!!! Poo is on the table, the baby’s back, and of course, his clothes. And let's not mention there is poo on my clothes already. Emergency bath! EMERGENCY BATH! But first, where to put baby? Hm…I grab a dirty blanket from his hamper and lay him on the floor.
10:41 am – Run his bath.
10:52 am – Bath time is done. I dry baby, put on new diaper and clothes. I place him in bouncy seat. Time to wash his poop-stained clothes and mine. There is nothing fun about washing poo off baby clothes. Ugh. Note to self: invest in 'washing-poo-off-clothes' gloves.
11:03 am – Check on baby. He is wholly engrossed with his bouncy seat. Hm, shower now while he’s occupied? Think fast! Yes! I quickly jump in the shower.
11:10 am – Shower done. I quickly do my “beauty routine” (moisturize face, lotion up, put on clothes, comb hair and put it in a bun).
11:16 am - Waahhhh!! (Which translates to: “Pay attention to me woman!”) Ah! Precisely on time.
11:17 am – We go downstairs. I play with baby, read him a story, talk to him, cuddle him, and play horsey again. I heart playing with my beautiful, delicious, sweet-smelling, cheery, giggly happy baby boy.
11: 18 am - Stomach growls. Oh so hungry. But I continue to entertain baby. Stomach growls some more.
11:49 am – Put baby on his playmat. Turn on laptop and surf for a bit.
11:55 am – Waaah! Pick up baby. I bounce him around and entertain him. “Oh look, it’s Mr. Froggy. Hello! Say hello Mr. Froggy!”
11:56 am – Rockstar baby is not having any of it. He squirms around, arches his back, and yells.
11:57 am – “Are you hungry?” Waaah! (This translates to: “Yes of course I’m hungry, can’t you tell?!”)
11:58 am – Yes. He is hungry. I feed him.
12:24 pm – Rockstar baby is falling asleep! Finally! Eyes closing, eyes closing…yes! He is asleep. Hm…should pull out nipple? Or wait? Damn. Stomach growling. Okay, I decide to pull out his bottle. Slowly, slowly…yes! He stays asleep! Putting him down, putting him down, and yes! HE STAYS ASLEEP! Halleluia!!
12:26 pm – Go to kitchen for food, glorious food! (There is actually food in the fridge since I cooked dinner last night --super-easy salmon croquettes, I simply have to post the recipe at some point). Walk to toaster oven to pre-heat, and ARGH!!! Water, water everywhere! Fuck!! #!%$&*!! There is a major puddle of water on the floor!!
12:27 pm - I'm still screaming in my head. Where the fuck did it come from? GAH! A jug of water on my kitchen shelf has a hole in it! There is only 1/4 of water left in the jug. There is ¾ gallon water on my kitchen floor! Damn. I just want to freaking eat! Look for rag, none…shite. Go to basement, grab mop, and I mop away. Stop. Put salmon croquettes in toaster oven. Go back to mopping. And wiping with paper towels.
12:52 pm – Am finally done mopping. I can eat lunch! Put rice in microwave. Hear my phone ring. Brrring, bbrrring!! Shite! SHITE!!! (Note: I say 'shite' in a British accent in my head). Phone is near baby! I run before he wakes up. GAH! Too freaking late. Baby looks up at me and I freeze. If I stay quiet, maybe he won’t notice me. Hold breath. Nope, baby is looking around. With a quickness, I rush over to him. Am patting him, patting him, patting him. He goes back to sleep. Success!
12:57 pm – Put food on plate and I eat. Food. GLORIOUS FOOD! Gobble, gobble, gobble.
1:07 pm – Ok. Am happy. Well, more like I’m full so I’m ready to take on another round of rockstar baby. Hm, little guy is still asleep. What to do? I should wash the dishes, yeah, that’s it. Or clean the bedroom? Yeah, let’s check e-mail.
1:41 pm – Ah shites! Have not done a single chore. Ok, will do dishes now.
1:43 pm – Washing dishes.
1:44 pm – Waaah!! (This means: “I’m awake!! Why weren’t you here by my side when I woke up?! Entertain me! Chop-chop!”) Of course rockstar baby wakes up. OF COURSE.