I’ve been on a slump for the past couple of weeks. Things have been shitty since I got back from holiday and it really got to me. It all started with a phone call I got during my holiday. And this is where my Tagalog skills will come into play...
Habang nasa bakasyon ako, tinawagan ko yung kaibigan ko sa trabaho, si P to check up on some things. Sabi ni P, napagbalik ko sa traboho, gusto daw ako kausapin nang mga boss ko. Naku. Nakakatakot. So sabi ko, ano nanaman ginawa ko? Sabi ni P, hindi daw nila nagustohan yung result sa isang case ko. Kailangan ku daw pumunta sa meeting sa Martes. So needless to say, I was a bit disturbed and peeved about that phone call. So come Monday, pagbalik ko sa trabaho, I was really stressed out. As it turns out, tumawag rin yung isa ko pang boss para sa iba namang topic daw. Hindo ko to na-expect. So pumunta ako sa opisina para mag-meet sa ka nila. Guess what we talked about? Well, you’re reading it. Sabi nila, na meron daw mga tao na na-basa itong blog ko. Tapos, narating sa attention nang mga boss ko. Sabi nila, while wala naman akong ginawa na masama, gusto lang nila sabihin na to be careful. May mga material daw ako sa blog ko na puedeng gamitin against me. Tapos, sabi rin nila na although na-recognize nila na wala naman ako mini-mention na names, sometimes, I can be too descriptive sa mga caso ko. Basically, there are psychos out there and it’s for my own benefit to watch out sa mga aking sinusulat. Sabi nila, may mga incidents in the past na na-threaten yung mga abogado rito. All the while nakinakausap ako, sinasabi rin nila na wala silang intention to stop me from writing or yung freedom of speech. Napaka 'PC' ano? ;)
Ok. I think they are right. But am I careful. It was just scary to talk about that topic altogether and to find myself in that situation. It’s not that I think they wouldn’t find out about it, I just thought it wouldn't even interest them to actually read it (and my archives for that matter, because they actually looked through them).
So that’s one thing that stressed me out. I promised na hindi na ako magsusulat tungkol sa aking trabaho. Maski “outlet” ito para sa aking mga problema, hindi ko no susulatin kung anong nangyari sa work. After all, I’ve heard stories about people getting fired over this and everything. I guess I’m lucky I got a warning. *sigh* I have certainly learned my lesson! Don't worry, this is my last post about that.
Then the next day, I had another meeting with iba namang tao about a different topic. Feel ko ay all I do is mess up here. Ay nako. Ang dami kung drama dito at parang nawala ang aking motivation. I am so disillusioned right now, it’s not even funny. I shouldn’t take it personally, I know, but I do. The thing is, gustong-gusto ko ang aking trabaho, pero masyadong maraming "pulang" tape. Pero I know na wala naman perfect na trabaho, right? I guess I'm just going through a lot of stuff. I've been in a bad mood.
Wow. That took me quite a long time to type out. Pardon me for any grammatical/spelling errors. My tagalog skills are rusty although I am fluent. I think the last time I’ve ever written anything in Tagalog (that was more than 5 sentences long) was back in the 4th grade for “Pilipino” class. Other than that, I don’t recall writing out anything in Tagalog. The primary reason for me not speaking or writing in Tagalog is that I’m much more adept in communicating in English. Don’t get me wrong, I speak Tagalog when I’m around my relatives, while in the Philippines, speaking with someone visiting from the Philippines, or with someone who prefers to speak in Tagalog. However, I don’t speak Tagalog with my parents (partly because my youngest brother doesn’t understand it) or with my other friends who are fluent in Tagalog (unless we want to talk shit about someone…bwahahah =). I also realize that I think in English and have been doing so since I can remember. I don't know why this is the case, but I distinctly remember writing out short stories as early as 5 years old and I certainly thought it out in English. I also thought out stories for my Barbie dolls and G.I. Joes in English as well. Perhaps this is why folks have commented on how fast I've "gotten rid" of my accent when we got here. I didn't consciously try to do so. I talk how I talk. Who knows?