This is going to come out rather cryptic, but there's really no other way to write about it. At this point, I am just very depressed about a certain part of my life. Okay, maybe depressed is a bit too dramatic. It's more like I am very disappointed with something. It's a small part really, one that doesn't really make up nor define my life, yet I care about it all the same. It's something I am passionate about, and something that I find fulfilling. In short, it's something that is important to me. I've always thought it would be part of my life for a long time, but now I am reconsidering the track that I am in.
A few days ago, I found out that I'm not really as good as I thought I was with this part of my life. But "being good at it" is not really the right terminology for it either. It's more like, I was viewed to be less capable of something. Hence, a decision was made that I'm quite unhappy about. In the grand scheme of things, I know I shouldn't take it personally. Yet of course, I do take it personally. Now, I'm just full of self-doubt and self-loathing.
My brain is wracked with thoughts of "I-should've-done-this" and "why-did-I-do-that" and self-deprecating statements like "maybe-I'm-just-plain-stupid" and "you're -just-not-good-enough."
At the same time, I try to analyze it from an objective point of view. I do recognize that there are some blessings to be had at being in this situation. Unfortunately, I think they are still outweighed by all the negatives that have come to light.
Sigh. Just breathe, I tell myself. It's not the end of the world. I just have to realize that it's not my time for it. Perhaps I'm destined for something else. Oh well.
Song of the Day:
All Sparks by The Editors