Is it possible to mourn a break-up 9 years after it happened? I didn't think so, but the sadness has finally caught up to me. I didn't let it hit me back when it happened --why should I, it was my decision? I was the one who let go and wanted something more. So at the time, I moved on without looking back... I went on with my life erasing him from my memory with rabid fervor. Now only years later did I decide to re-trace my steps. I was the one who initiated contact after almost 8 years of no contact and was met with a door slamed in my face. Everyone is like "Why do you even care?!" I've analyzed my actions and reactions over the past month and the only thing I can say is that I care because I just do. I didn't expect to give a shit, but I guess I cared about him all these years after all. It's weird because when I broke up with him, it was literally "outta sight, outta mind." That was in early 1996. So between then and a month ago: I barely thought about him. Sure, he's called to say "hi" here and there. I've sent him a card here and there. While we didn't talk, I thought we had an understanding that we were okay with each other without having to keep in touch. And I've kept in touch with his sister who is my friend (independent of him). In fact, I've hardly asked his sister about him. Probably once in a blue moon did I ask about him. The most recent time was this past month to ask him to see a concert with me. (See previous blogs for the shit that went down regarding that!) I thought I'd let it go without speaking to him and tried not to dwell about it. But I was really disappointed with this new "break-up" that he initiated this time around. I didn't like the way I was told to "fuck off" and so I fumed for days after. I couldn't let it go, so then I did the inevitable: I made a call. I wanted to say "I respect your decision and I just wanted to say goodbye to you peacefully." Well, let's just say I got my just desserts. I should've left well enough alone and realized that there is no reasoning with people who choose to cut you off from their plane of existence. Of course I was sad, but more mad since I wasn't allowed to even talk. But now I realize that it is finally over for good. There was no way to do it peacefully. There is no "staying friends". No talk of being acquaintances. Nothing. And that is that. I will move on again. I wish him well for all eternity though. I always will. He deserves to be happy. I'm glad we both are happy --in our separate places in life. So goodbye forever.
i never said i would stay to the end i knew i
would leave you with babies and everything
screaming like this in the hole of sincerity
screaming me over and over and over i leave
you with photographs pictures of trickery
stains on the carpet and stains on the memory
happiness murmured in dreams when we both
of us knew how the end always is...
how the end always is...
-copyright 1989 Fiction Songs
-words by Robert Smith; from The Cure album Disintegration