Tuesday, December 2, 2003

BaHumbug. Random thoughts in no specific order. Just venting. Sometimes my mind just gets occupied with insane little thoughts about things that people have said to me or done that have really irked me and I haven't said a word. Like a friend who once wrote in an e-mail that she doesn't do things or trips I invite her to because she's broke unlike me who's married. In fact, she wrote" silly, we're not married like you." As if just because I'm married, I'm suddenly absolved of all bills and money problems. Like my bills are not as relevant as hers. Whatever. The fact is, we had a falling out when she stated that I always made snide comments about people not wanting to spend time with me when I invite them to things, and that in fact, I invite them to too many things and they always feel obligated to go or forced to go. First of all, I tend to invite my friends that I hear about only because that's the way I am. If it's something of interest to me or something in general I would like to see my friends to go to, then I forward the news along. Of course I'm not going to force you to go nor do I expect you to go to everything little thing I invite you to. But when it's an invite to come over for my birthday, or a house-warming, or just to hang out for a home-cooked dinner, that's something different. And when it's a group of you and you tend to be the one ignored all the time, of course I'm going to start making snide comments. What am I, chopped liver that I should be treated a little less? Okay, I've gotten over it but it the fact remains that it has happened. I should've said something when it happened, but I was too passive. And I have made sure that I don't ever send them invites to random little things anymore because I don't want to annoy them. (Heck, I don't think I'll even invite them to my house-warming whenever that is, lest they feel "pressured" to trek all the way to New Jersey =0). I feel my friend Girlie's pain when she has complained that people say all the time that she lives too far away and her friends don't go bother to visit. (Yes, I have said that myself but at least I have been there when she has invited me to go. And will certainly not poke fun at it anymore). I travel all the time to see my friends and they have yet to come over here without expressing complaints about how far it is. If I commuted everyday to school via a 5-minute bus ride and a 40-minute subway ride, you can certainly do the same thing to come to me. And you don't even have to do it everyday like I did. Other things that annoy me include the way people use the term "broke" when they're trying to get away with being "cheap." I admit it, I've done it myself. I have said I'm broke when I didn't want to go to dinner with some folks because quite frankly, I am on a budget and if I were to spend money, I'd rather go out to a nicer joint with my other friends and not just the same chain restaurant we have been to. This also applies to gifts. Am I being bitter? Yes, I admit that. Am I being whiny? Yes, if you haven't noticed already, this blog is one big whine-a-thon.

I also don't like the fact that I have to question some of my friendships from over the years. I read in a magazine that for your New Year's resolutions, you should think about what your friendships do for you. Weeding out the weeds as they say. But the fact is, I deeply care about a lot of my friends --even if I don't see them everyday or even every month or even for years; and I care about being involved in their lives and them telling me things that happen to them; and I do care when I don't hear from them and it's always me who has to initiate the contact. Hm...perhaps it's their way of telling me that they are weeding me out. I don't like harboring bitter thoughts. I feel like Gollum (from LOTR) when I think about things that have bothered me and I leave them bottled in. Like the fact that I hated not living in the city when I first got married. I hated that there was no compromise on it and I will never get a chance to live there.

But now, I accept that if not for certain actions, things will not be the way it is today. All things happen for a reason. Which is why for the New Year, I'm going to let bygones be bygones. I will try to be free from bitter thoughts. It's weird, I consider myself to be a nice person. A generous person. A humanitarian. I don't even know if my friends see me that way. And my bitter thoughts sometimes cloud the bigger picture and that I am forever trying to be a better person both spiritually and emotionally. The way I look and present myself have sometimes no bearing on what I feel inside. Like the fact that I love my job because I'm helping real people and it hurts when they call and say the defendant that I just put on probation is bothering her again. Or that it hurts to see my defendant crying and I would rather let her go free than put her back in jail but because of the law, I have to lock her up again. That I donate money to certain charities like UNICEF and the March of Dimes and almost always give money to people who beg on the street despite knowing better. That I would like to be a foster parent. That I would like to do the Peace Corps someday. Hm...I think that people don't really have a clue of other people sometimes. And of course, this goes both ways. I'm sure I have preconceived notions of other people that I know and love that may be the complete opposite of what they truly feel, do, and live like. I guess we can only all hope to be better people. I know I'm trying. So for those people that I have hurt, I am sorry.

Be generous of yourself. These were the last words of advice that Dr. Mark Green (a character in ER) told his daughter as he lay dying. Sage words indeed and I have never forgotten what he said, albeit in a fictional world. Think about it.
POSTED BY KAT AT 12/02/2003 09:25:00 PM |


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a wanna-be rockstar with mediocre guitar skills | mom to rockstar baby | guitarist in a band | 30 but not grown-up | this is all about my musings. music. motherhood. and mayhem.

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